BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
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If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.