Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”