last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
When the stylist spins you back around
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids