What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“That’s what” – She