Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Spa day..😅
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job