The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
You Might Also Like
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
(2022)
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Okay me first
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time