Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.