Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.