My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.