I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
This made me chuckle.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you