Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
This was my dad’s browser history.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”