the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Buying a well is money well spent.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting