Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
very niche meme I made
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌