I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Does beer think about me too?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.