A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Hmm, not sure about this change
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea