hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway