It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You Might Also Like
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
12. I think about this all the damn time
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.