Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
You Might Also Like
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My life in a nutshell
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.