[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Raisins are grape jerky.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now