Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.