I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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Don’t forget to tip your server
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Stop being racist to kettles.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
when you don’t want to be too vague
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.