Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
#ProTip
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
sleeping beauty
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.