So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
this is what they would have looked like, though
checking out some reviews of my local library
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.