if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
2 years later
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
just witnessed a drug deal
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions