It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
You Might Also Like
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this