A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.