Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.