Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what