Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.