“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat