You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.