I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.