Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
You Might Also Like
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
a lot to unpack here
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems