When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m giving up for Lent.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*