Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.