If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
the battle rages on
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.