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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.