I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Tuesday
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*