Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans