My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside