Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
How all things should be taught/explained.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss