me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
You Might Also Like
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.