Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space