Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
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Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”