My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!