Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?