Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I needed a laugh this morning.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time