[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*