I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?