I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.